My sheets look like a crime scene.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
