Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Randomize
