see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
