Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize
