i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
