I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
