I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Randomize
