My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
