Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
