My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
