Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
