How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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