Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
