I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
