I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
