You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Is Oprah even human
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
