Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
