News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
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