Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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