hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I've blown a few things in my day
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
