I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Let's get the cat blown out
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize