cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
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