mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize