I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
