hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
