I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize
