Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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