erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Is Oprah even human
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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