You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
