apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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