I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
