She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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