Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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