i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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