Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize
