seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
