First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize