I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
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