i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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