He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
