I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Randomize