if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I was not drunk enough for that final.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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