dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
