i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
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