Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
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