At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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