I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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