what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
