Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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