you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
