areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
you will always have a special place in my vag
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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