Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
