my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
