Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I have already put on my inside pants.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
