I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
