i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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