I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
