where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
The air was thick with penises
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize