Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Randomize
