Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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